How to Handle Disputes with Neighbors

From unkempt lawns to endlessly barking dogs to loud music played at all hours of the night, there are plenty of reasons why you may be having issues with your neighbors. The world is a big place, filled with all different types of people. Sometimes those people don’t make great neighbors, but we don’t exactly get to choose who lives around us. For many of us, whether we’re renting or owning there comes a time when we have to handle disputes with neighbors. And knowing how to do that in a peaceful way is a skill that doesn’t always come so easily. Here are eight strategies for managing disputes with neighbors in a way that (hopefully) solves your problem without creating additional ones.

Make sure it’s really a problem

There’s a big difference between a neighbor who causes an occasional annoyance and one who seriously interferes with your quality of life. If you’re dealing with the former, it may not be worth rocking the boat. Taking a little bit of time to really wrap your head around what’s going on is beneficial both for determining how much of an issue you have and for stating your case when and if the time does come for a confrontation. Sometimes it may be obvious right away that this is not a one-off problem, such as if your neighbor smokes cigarettes on their balcony throughout the day and the smell is wafting in to your apartment. Other times, something that seems like a big deal at the time—say, a party that leaves your common space trashed—was just a one time thing. Before you take on disputes with your neighbors, be sure they’re merited.

Keep a log of the behavior in question

Often times we’re blind to our own flaws. Your neighbor may not be aware that they often blast the volume on their TV so loud other people can hear it or that when they constantly walk around with shoes on it reverberates loudly into the apartment below. The better you can document what’s going on, the better you can illustrate your point to your neighbor (as well as to your landlord or housing association, if it comes to that). Keep a log of the offending behavior for a week or more, noting when it happens and for how long. You don’t necessarily have to show them the log the first time you bring up the issue, but it’s good to keep handy in case they try to dispute the facts. Add to your log any communication you and your neighbor have about the problem, including when you discussed it and what was said.

Do some research on the rules

If you live in an apartment complex or other sort of housing community, chances are there are set guidelines dictating tenant behavior. Check your lease or other housing contract to see if there are regulations regarding the problem you’re having, such as a rule that all tenants must stop playing loud music after 10pm or that lawns must be kept trim and neat. If what your neighbor is doing is a clear violation of the housing contract, you’ll have a much stronger case when you go speak to them.

Find out what your other neighbors have to say

There is power in numbers. If your neighbor is doing something that is affecting not just you but also others around you, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to resolve it. Talk to your other neighbors to find out if it’s a problem that they’ve noticed and/or that bothers them. Approaching your neighbor as a group can be more effective than going at it alone, though if you go this route you may want to communicate your issue in writing instead of in person since nobody is likely to respond well to an angry mob at their door. Best yet, if one or your neighbors is closer to the offending neighbor than others, have them be the ones to go start the conversation and see if there’s a possible solution. Keep in mind though that it’s not just about gossiping and complaining to others. If someone lives around you but isn’t personally affected by the behavior, you probably shouldn’t get them involved.

Communicate directly and politely

Before heading to upper management about disputes with neighbors, try to speak to your neighbors themselves. Per one of the points above, people aren’t always aware that they’re doing something bothersome. Give your neighbor a chance to hear you out and fix the problem on their own before turning it into something bigger. If you’re not comfortable with a face-to-face confrontation, it’s perfectly acceptable to leave a note or send an email or text message outlining what’s going on. It’s even okay to leave an anonymous note if that’s the only way you feel comfortable doing it. Be direct about what’s going on and how it affects you, and try not to use accusatory language, which can put your neighbor on the defensive and make a peaceful resolution less likely.

Take time to cool off before confrontation

We’re often not our best selves when we’re angry or irritated. Unless you have a Zen-like ability to act calm and composed no matter what else is going on, talk to your neighbor about potential problems during a time when steam isn’t coming out of your ears and you can be polite and reasonable. The saying “you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar” is particularly appropriate here. Even if your preference is to yell, scold, or stomp your feet, you’re unlikely to find a respectful resolution if you come at your neighbor from a place of anger.

Have a compromise in mind

Unless your neighbor is doing something particularly egregious or illegal, the goal should be finding a compromise, not requiring your neighbor to completely change how they live. The best way to do that is to find balance through a compromise. For example, if your neighbor has a dog who is constantly barking while they’re away at work, don’t say that you want the dog gone. Instead, suggest that your neighbor have a dog walker come by during the day to take the dog out and help it release some of its extra energy. Or, say your neighbor is the aforementioned cigarette smoker. Ask that they smoke somewhere else, where the smell won’t waft into your home. The more you can reach a compromise where both of you are satisfied, the better you can resolve the situation without conflict.

Seek the help of a third party

Not all disputes with neighbors are solvable without additional assistance. If you’ve discussed the issue with your neighbor and they’re not amenable to finding a solution—or worse, they retaliate by doubling down on the behavior—you’ll probably need to bring someone else in. This can be your landlord or housing association mediation board, or may be an outside mediator who is either a volunteer or paid. Unless absolutely necessary (such as if it’s a matter of safety), don’t go straight to a lawyer or the police. Look for someone who can help you manage the dispute from an objective standpoint, facilitating communication and acting as a neutral liaison between the two of you.

There’s no reason to suffer in silence if you have an issue with one of your neighbors. Most of the time, if you approach disputes with your neighbors from a place of politeness and respect, you can find a solution without things get messy. Keep your eyes on the end goal—finding a peaceful way to move forward—and don’t let anger get in the way.